+ -= s.o.p.h.i.s.t.i.c.a.t.i.o.n =- +

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All I want is to be who I want to be
To breathe the air that gasp mi free
To live the dreams my mind conceived
To see the world in love and peace

Let us not take love for granted
For many awaits the touch for hopes and inspirations
Dream. Dare . Do
Let the sun burns through the horizon and the stars to sparkle
Face each day with a smle for others
Never let yesterday's disappointment overshadow tomorrow's dreams....

*-=__It is not about loving a perfect person...
...but to love an imperfect person perfectly __=-*

***__________. dreams of the sparkled stars____::***

::_memories unforgottened_::
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
October 2005
February 2006
March 2006
November 2006
December 2006
December 2007
May 2008

Sunday, May 25, 2008

-crumbled world-

doesn't seemed like a good thing that im back blogging. Seems like blogging always comes to the last resort when i have so much to say yet difficult to express out verbally or nobody I could talk to.

bad days. mum's in hospital and im so tired handling thigns at home with all my personal stuff. Im freaking worried and sad to see her in pain, but im glad she can discharge tomorrow. Praying was never a habit but somehow i realised I had just prayed to God.

my relationship has been going really wrong, or should I say, I believe it has ended. Was looking forward to having a 1 year anniversary, had made some small thought plans to it but i think i wont need to use it anymore. Not like he will have any plans for me, its a sunday and he most probably gonna have so many things he need to do at home or he has got some plans with his friends or he's just too tired to do anything. Wont be expecting anything from him either, because at least for the past one year, he has not exactly got me a present or what other then my birthday or when he made me angry at genting. Mayb thats why I still kept the roses he gave me for the first month's anniversary even though some only had its dried stalk left, be cause its just one of the very few things he had surprise me and geniuniely gave me as present( not something he will ask ' I buy for you?') Even though when he say one to buy things for me, I have learnt to choose to just listen to it and keep it as a wish because most in fact none of them has even come true. Mayb thats y some of my girls tell me it is not wrong to be.

I guess I have not been asking for anything. In fact it does not matter to me whether he gives me anything or not. Sometimes Im just so so easily satisfied. Some sweets or ice-cream or even just a packet of yu yuan tan, or in fact, just being with him for the shortest moment, or just a hug or a kiss (which for very long I have never felt one that he had given me willingly) and im all not angry again and all satisfied. Even some guys say im too easily satisfied.

I cant remember when's the last time he tell me 'hey, im free on what day, lets do something together.' It really does occur to me that he doesnt exactly likes to be with me at all. Its always 'I have to do this I have to do that. ..Im meeting who and who... Im very tired....Its hot...its too crowded...Its too far' Yes all these applies for him to me. But when his friends jio him go east coast cycling or even to do anything... He will always consider.....in fact most of the time be there, as if the sun has never existed and will not be hot. I want to eat buffet....I waited for months. His friends jio him for buffet? no problem. Even though he dont really feel like eating buffet.

Sorry I should apologise for saying that. Afterall, you guys know each other for 6 years, I am barely with you for less than 1 year, what rights do I have? I should slap myself for that! I did not dislike your friends, but you had made me felt so. I seriously feel, if there's someone that fits his criteria in that click, he will jolly well choose her over me. What he needs are his friends, not his girlfriend. Maybe it IS really better off to be his friend than his girlfriend. Mayb he would then treat me better.

Maybe we just really belong to different world. Gambling has been a serious issue between both of us. I cant remember how many times we have quarreled because of that. How many times he had made be disappointed and neglected me because of gambling. Well I guess its just in him. I should never believe him once and again when he say he know he's wrong and ask for one more chance. If our relationship is a gambling game, I think it has become a lost game.

Just, I twisted my same ankle again. It was in such pain it brought me to tears. I guess I hurt the same ligerment again. I could hardly stand. Grandma called and I tried to control my voice to tell her im fine. Dont dare to call dad cos i dont want my mum to worry. Msged him. He called. But all he said was ' Are you ok? I just reached. Going to start my mahjong game liaoz. Find you later?' Sounds fine? I waited. hour after hour after hour even though im freaking damm sleepy because I barely slept much recently and had a long day. Waited until my dad is back, saw my swollen ankle and rubbed some ointment for me. After i belive should have finish the first round, no news, after finish 2nd round then drop me the msg to take care and happily went back to play another round I believe for the amount of time? Well what has happened to find you later? Bullshit! Its just another time of his say but dont mean it. Its always like that.

He feels that I always gets angry, but I get angry to get my point across, hoping that things will change for the better in the future. But it never does, and i believe it has always caused me to be angry over the same reasons. I have already felt that he was unhappy with me long ago, but he does not want to tell it? So? i tried to communicate but you didnt. You implied that I should give in. Haven I give in enough and give you many chances? You said i accuse you of not being good enough for me. I never expected much, its just that you are taking things more and more downslope. Its just so different in the past and now. Now, it just seems like time has passed and now you feel more that I will not leave you and thus i feel that you are taking me for granted. I did not restrict him for anything but i just did not want to be neglected. Like a toy, take to play and when not interested, just put at the side.

I feel stupid about myself and I cant stop crying. I dont like this. It seems like the number of times I had cried in the last 1 year is mre than what I had cried for the rest of my wholelife. I feel that I had changed. I should have stayed by my stand that I should not get into a realtionship cos it makes me weaken myself. I dont like the sour feeling that cant stop in my heart and tears cant stop flowing. Its another sleepless night. I dont know whats next. I prayed to god to show me a way.

Yew hong once asked me, why do girls always appear stronger after a break-up? I think now i have the answer. Girls are not strong, they are just better at hiding and pretending. Since he's happier to be his friends. I shall choose to go, to end him from being unhappy with me and in all the tortures I had caused him. Just let me be the unreasonable and demanding one. Im sorry for all the miseries caused.

I cant stop my tears from rolling. I better stop crying if not tomorrow dunno how to fetch my mother with super puffy eyes. But i cant help to feel my heart hurt. Kill me.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Sunday, May 25, 2008